Numb to the Cold
by That's the Glory of Esther
Summary: The walls of fear around her heart were beginning to thaw away, but a gaping hole was all that was left. Filled with the ache of longing and a bittersweet sickness, it took every ounce of her willpower to try to patch it up. When a chance to heal arose she snatched at it, but in the eagerness to end her pain, she didn't think of what it meant for Anna.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN - **I'm sorry this isn't Elsanna (will a cute sisterly relationship sate you?). I can read incest, but heaven help me if I try my hand at writing it. But I've added in a few Kristanna moments, which in my opinion is just as cute a ship._

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters...etcetera, etcetera..._

* * *

Elsa's eyes flew open, only to be instantly assailed by the bright morning sun gushing in through the open velvet curtains. Her hands were balled into fists, her muscles tensed and her whole body rigid. For a moment she believed she'd been woken by the relentless nightmares that troubled her throughout adolescence, returning to haunt her once more; but only when she tried to shift from the fetal position did she notice how the bed dipped down just beside her, and with a sigh of relief she realized that she'd only been awoken by the presence of another person.

And of course it wasn't just any other person. Rather, the only person who would dare wake the Queen of Arendelle so abruptly, no matter the hour. The only person who awkwardly cluttered and stumbled noisily with the grace of a pigeon wherever she went, but somehow managed to sneak into the silence of her older sister's chambers without a peep.

Anna.

"_Wake up,_ _Elsa_!" the redhead shouted down at her older sister, all but deafening her as she began shaking her awake. She never was a quiet person, but Elsa decided to let her get away with it; fifteen years of not being able to wake anyone up in the morning with her enthusiasm (especially difficult on birthdays and Christmases) was starting to catch up with the younger girl.

Elsa simply covered a hand over her mouth delicately as she yawned, "What time is it?" she murmured, only to be rolled onto her back and forced to look at the beaming face of her sister.

"Time to wake _up_!" Anna exclaimed impatiently, lying down and stretching on top of Elsa dramatically. As under-ten-year-olds, it had been a bearable antic of hers, but now…it seemed Anna didn't realize that she'd grown at all.

Grunting under the sudden weight of her younger sister, the white-haired girl attempted to sit up, which proved to be futile as her arms were trapped underneath the body on top of her, "Well I can't do that when you've got me pinned down, can I?" she jested. Instantly, the weight on top of her was gone as Anna scampered to sit at the end of the bed, crossing her legs underneath herself and impatiently fiddling with the fabric of her orange nightgown.

Elsa took her time sitting up, to Anna's obvious displeasure. As she looked to her boisterous sibling expecting an impatient glare, she was instead greeted by bright, wide eyes and an expression of eagerness shining through all restraints. She cocked an eyebrow questioningly at Anna, holding eye contact with her, icy cerulean against soft blue, until the redhead couldn't hold back anymore and let the words bubble out of her mouth: "Happy birthday!"

The look of shock on the queen's face must've been more apparent than she thought, because Anna's smile instantly disintegrated into a pout, "I wanted to be the one to say it first…"

Instantly, ten years' worth of birthdays came flooding back to Elsa in a whirl of memories. Despite her father's insistence that she minimize all human contact, no parent could be cruel enough to keep their child locked up on their birthday. Ages eight through seventeen saw her being hesitantly escorted by her mother out of her room and down the hall for a family breakfast. And at the bottom of the grand staircase, every year without fail, Anna would be waiting with her father with a horribly wrapped gift and an excited 'Happy birthday Elsa!' to greet her (she must have begged everyone in the castle not to say anything until she did; there was no way Elsa would've gotten from her room to the entrance hall without anyone saying anything otherwise). It was one of the few times throughout the year that Elsa genuinely smiled and, however briefly, didn't feel like a danger to everyone around her.

The more seconds that ticked by, the more Anna looked like a kicked puppy. Elsa didn't know if she did it on purpose or if she could just naturally conjure up the most miserable expression ever, but it never failed in tugging at the queen's affection.

"No, it's okay…thank you," she said hastily, pulling the young princess into a tight hug, "it means a lot. I'm just tired…"

Anna pulled back and looked at Elsa, her expression unsure, "Did I wake you too early?" she asked, her voice small."

"No! Not at all! It's only…" she glimpsed at the grandfather clock standing in the corner of her room and frowned, "…seven." With another glance back at Anna, she put on a reassuring smile, "Seven's good, though,"

Anna left out a soft squeal, beaming again as Elsa slowly got out of bed, "Great!" she exclaimed from her spot on the mattress, "I know you probably wanted to sleep in but I'm just really excited about you getting older – not that you're old, I mean…you're only twenty-two! But I'm only nineteen so that seems like a _lot_ older to me! That is to say…um…you really just – "

"Anna?" Elsa sighed, a hint of amusement in her voice. The princess' head snapped back up and she focused on her sister with attentive eyes, "Shouldn't you go get dressed?"

The red-haired girl look down at the pale orange nightgown she was still wearing, almost shocked to see it there. She hastily jumped out of bed (almost tripping on the bed sheets in the process) and grinned sheepishly, "Oh! I…um…I should! I'll…see you down at breakfast, then?"

Elsa offered a slow nod and a reassuring smile. She watched the impossibly energetic girl skip out of the room, the door slamming shut behind her. Keeping watch on the closed door a few seconds longer as she heard a maid scolding Anna for her improper clothing, she rolled her eyes in amusement before turning her attention to pulling on her dress for the day.

* * *

After their parents were lost to the icy depths of the North Atlantic Ocean, Elsa had found no point in partaking in family breakfasts on birthdays anymore, considering the only other person to share it with was someone who'd needed to be kept safe from her powers. Subsequently, it'd been four years since she'd celebrated her birthday properly – the only indication of her aging up was Anna, just like clockwork, wishing her a happy birthday (in recent years, it'd been a disheartened but still slightly hopeful murmur through the keyhole) and leaving a present just outside the large white-and-blue doors. After all this time, walking into the dining hall for breakfast bordered on unnatural.

Of course, Anna was already waiting for her at the table; although it was a first to spend any meals in the castle, Elsa wasn't surprised to find Olaf sitting there too. What _was_ slightly shocking was to find Kristoff sitting at the table too, looking as unhappy with the situation as Elsa was stunned, but that may have had mostly to do with the fact that Sven could only be a part of the gathering by sticking his head through one of the opened windows. It was one thing to let a walking, talking snowman into the esteemed castle, but a reindeer was simply out of the question.

Elsa secretly hoped that Kristoff wasn't always this grumpy when more than ten feet came in between him and Sven; he didn't really expect to live anywhere else but within the castle when he and Anna married in a month, did he?

Pressing it to the back of her mind, she reminded herself to smile and took her seat at the head of the long table, Anna and Kristoff seated at the ends either side of her. The ice harvester tried his best to look cheerful, but despite his best efforts it only managed to look forced. Elsa didn't blame him. To be up this early for the birthday of his fiancée's sister sounded less than appealing. At least he got to spend time with Anna (then again, when _weren't _they spending time together?).

She looked back to Anna, who was watching her intently, like she was waiting for her sister to show the slightest amount of dislike. The redhead looked sheepish at being caught, which gave Elsa the indication that it was her cue to say something, "This is nice,"

Anna perked up a little at the comment, "You really think so?"

"Well, so far," Elsa laughed lightly, "we haven't even had breakfast yet. But it's nice to finally spend a birthday with you properly."

The redhead's smile faltered only slightly, but she forced her eyes to stay bright and in contact with the queen's, "It's…been a while…"

Elsa opened her mouth to apologize (for what, she didn't know) when she was cut off by the rhythm of the footsteps of a servant bringing a silver platter to the table. At the sight and smell of their breakfast, Anna's face lit up like a Christmas tree, so the older woman chose not to continue troubling her and instead focus on breakfast. She cast one glance to the food sitting in front of them, and smirked mischievously at Anna.

"Pancakes?"

Once again, Anna looked sheepish, "Just like old times, right?"

* * *

Eventually Elsa just couldn't handle being in the same room as Kristoff and Anna anymore. Those two were either bickering or gazing at each other longingly; more often than not the first led to the second. Both caused the tension in the room to spike to the point that a third party would feel extremely uncomfortable in their presence. This morning was particularly unbearable; the queen had made the mistake of asking the princess if her wedding dress was tailored to her liking, at which Anna nodded excitedly and began discussing with her how pleased she was with the garment. Kristoff had cleared his throat pointedly and said that it was bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the wedding, and hearing about it was just as bad. Anna made some jab at him for being superstitious, Kristoff defensively shot back that he wanted to be completely surprised when she walked down the aisle, and all too suddenly their eyes were locked in an unbreakable, loving gaze. At which point, Elsa decided to take leave from the table, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible.

But walking out through the entrance hall to the grand staircase, she found herself grinning stupidly at how well such a specially ordinary breakfast had gone.

Elsa couldn't remember any birthday being as heart-warming as this one. The pancakes – a treat for special occasions the two girls had enjoyed throughout childhood – had been one thing, but Anna insisting on giving her a gift like every other year had been the icing on the cake. The young girl looked as though she might burst into tears as she handed over the still badly-wrapped present; it _had_ been fifteen years since she'd been able to physically hand something to her sister and not be held back or have her pull away. It was certainly nothing short of overwhelming.

The gift was a simple silver necklace, inset with tiny blue and white diamonds that weren't unlike ice. Beautiful was the only word that came to mind when Elsa looked at it shimmering in her hand, but that hardly did it justice. She would've put it on instantly had her arms not been occupied pulling Anna into a tight embrace, "Thank you," she'd whispered, close to tears herself, "I love it,"

"My queen," Elsa's concentration was snapped back to the present by the voice of the man in charge of the many servants that worked throughout Arendelle's castle. She turned to look at his bowed form and noticed that he carried a small, ornate silver platter, upon which sat a bulky fold of papers, its seal a bright red kiss against the pale parchment.

"What is that?" she asked curiously. The wax had Arendelle's coat of arms pressed into it, but what could possibly be so important that someone needed to seal it in such a formal letter (and an old-looking one at that – the seal was dull and cracked and looked at least a decade old)?

"A gift, your majesty," the head servant presented, offering her the letter atop the plate, "from the former King and Queen of Arendelle,"

Elsa's eyes widened at the news, her heart feeling as though it had dropped into her stomach. Her parents wrote this to her? It took all her willpower to keep her hands from shaking as they plucked the letter from the plate, sliding her fingers slowly over the aged parchment.

"My queen, if I may," the servant interjected, sensing her fear and nervousness over the contents of the letter, "I have been working within these castle walls for many years. Your father entrusted me with this letter, to present to you after you'd become queen. When you were ready. He had, of course, always intended to inform you of its contents himself, but he greatly feared that circumstances would arise to prevent he or the queen to tell you in person. No one knew but them, and it is with a heavy heart that I present to you, Queen Elsa, his final gift,"

The white-haired girl tried to swallow the lump in her throat and mutter a small word of thanks, but the head servant was quick to see her distress and dismiss himself with a bow first. Left to her thoughts once more, Elsa retreated to her room and, for the first in months, locked the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN -** _Gosh I am sorry for how long this actually ended up taking! I couldn't make it past the first section of the chapter, and believe me when I say any progress I made, I made **slowly**. However, I think it's appropriate that the fic is updated a month after it was published, and because school is starting again soon and classes are gonna weigh me down, I think a once-monthly update is to be expected - twice if the teachers are lenient with homework. Just bare with me, please, and enjoy this sorry excuse for a chapter._

_(You'll also noticed I changed the title from 'Lengsel' to 'Numb to the Cold', in case you were confused about that)_

* * *

Anna was pulled, abruptly and rudely, from the depths of her thoughts by the pressure of a warm hand on her shoulder. It felt as if she'd been sat at the long, elegant dining table for half the day – and save for a few minutes' break when the need to eat or stretch her legs became too great, she had been. With a quiet huff, she tilted her head back slightly, only to have her eyes lock instantly with those of the young man standing behind her.

"Just me," Kristoff assured her, giving Anna the feeling her body must have jerked at his touch. He pulled out the chair next to the one she was sat in, and joined her at the table.

She offered him a small smile – more of a twist of the mouth than a smile, really – but stayed silent. The air around them became heavier with each second that dragged by, as the redhead fixed a thoughtful stare on the man adjacent to her, far from the usual lovesick gaze that was all too often reciprocated.

Just when the silence was starting to ring in his ears, Kristoff couldn't take it anymore.

"You've been really quiet today," he pointed out, hoping she would catch onto the deliberate tone in his voice and confide in him. Alas, she only blinked in quick succession, like she'd slipped into a daze again.

"Hm? Have I?" Anna shook her head, rubbing her eyes with balled-up fists, "Sorry. I've been…thinking."

"Thinking." he said, only earning a small, 'mhmm,' in reply, "Thinking about what?"

But he received no reply. Anna's listless expression had turned back into one of concentration and once more she was completely deaf to the world around her.

With how quickly it took Kristoff's curiosity to turn into anxiety, one would think she'd just dropped unconscious on the floor. Anna could be…distracted at times, but never _this_ absent.

Slowly, the young ice harvester rose from his chair, and took his original position standing just behind and to the left of the chair his fiancée was sitting in. When she didn't even budge, or seem to take notice, he gently placed his broad hands on her shoulders and started to rub his thumbs in slow, relaxing circles. Under his palms he could feel the gentle rhythm of her lithe body – the slow expanding and retracting of her chest as she took in deep breaths. It calmed him to know that she seemed completely at ease; nothing in her posture was rigid, her breathing didn't mimic that of someone who was upset.

After a moment, she took notice of his hands and leaned into the backrub with a soft sigh. Her shoulders slumped in a defeated fashion, "I'm sorry," she murmured, "I have a lot on my mind,"

"I can see that," he said, "do you want to talk about it?"

Anna was hesitant at first, but a soft squeeze of the shoulders finally convinced her to disclose the details to her fiancé.

"It's Elsa," she admitted. Her voice sounded like a whine – a cry of anguish. Kristoff, for the life of him, didn't know what to think already: Anna cared dearly for her sister, so it was a possibly critical situation at hand. However, the young redhead had spent well over a decade devoid of contact with her sister. Anything could cause her to think she was losing her sister and ultimately send her into a panic. So far, it could be anything. With a gentle, sympathetic kiss to the top of her head, and another squeeze of her shoulders, he urged her to continue.

"I don't know what's wrong!" Anna exclaimed and buried her face in her hands, "I can't think of anything that would've set her off! One minute she was fine and the next…"she trailed off, finishing her sentence with a pained groan.

Kristoff's initial reaction was to tell her to calm down and try to talk things out with her with as little hysteria on her behalf as possible, but he rethought the decision. The Princess' sense of protection for her older sister was unlike any other – truly, the ice harvester still found himself in awe at the dynamics of their relationship – if there was something to be worried about, Anna would worry herself regardless of goings on around her. So, with a rather defeated sigh, he took his place back in his chair, pried one of her hands from her face to envelope it in his own, and waited for her to look up at him before giving her a warm smile.

"Tell me what's wrong,"

* * *

It had taken roughly three explanations for Kristoff to get a vague idea of the reason for Anna's devastation. Granted, the young redhead verbally tripped and stumbled as her words raced at a million miles an hour, leaving him with no time to let his mind wrap around some of the details in his struggle to keep up with the conversation. It reminded him all too well of Anna's justification for Elsa freezing the entire kingdom when they first met. Only this time, he didn't – couldn't – interrupt.

"Let me get this straight," he sighed heavily, pressing a palm to his forehead, "Elsa…just stopped talking to you again?"

Anna nodded quickly, eyes full of misery (which, Kristoff thought, might not be completely unnecessary), "She hardly comes out of her room anymore! I've hardly seen her since her birthday!" she crossed her arms on the tabletop and buried her face in them with a huff, "I don't…understand,"

Despite how much the blond had come to know about Anna in recent months – what made her happy, her favorite foods, favorite topics of conversation, where she was ticklish – Kristoff was still stumped when it came to what could be the most important thing: cheering her up. She was…well, emotionally unpredictable (he noted this with an unmeasurable amount of fondness in his heart); what might work one day could make her feel even worse the next.

It was how Anna worked, and Kristoff would be lying if he said he didn't love that about her.

"Maybe…maybe she's just busy?" he suggested, "Being Queen of an entire kingdom can't be easy, even for Elsa,"

"Maybe," Anna said with a muffled voice before looking up slightly, "but why is she avoiding everyone? Why does she lock her door? How come the last time I saw her out of her room, she was wearing gloves?"

At this point, it clicked as to why Anna was so upset over this.

Regardless of her new-found confidence with her powers after the Big Freeze, Elsa still found herself overridden with anxiety from time to time. Nothing too bad ever happened, obviously, or Arendelle would be in uproar; however simple mishaps like stray icicles in the ceiling or flurries sent down the hallways were enough to make the Queen panic. When Anna had caught her sister pulling gloves over her hands she very nearly exploded in hysteria. Although it was an innocent enough attempt to stop herself from possibly hurting anyone, the young redhead insisted ceaselessly that they were only a catalyst for fear (not in those exact words, of course) and that Elsa would be better off without them.

But even when the gloves had been removed and stored away, Anna still wasn't satisfied. A promise had to be made before anyone could resume their daily activities: that Elsa, unless in utmost dire circumstances, was not to wear gloves. She'd been hesitant to agree at first, still getting used to being able to use her powers so freely with the knowledge that she wasn't as dangerous as she once thought but eventually, she gave in under her sister's pleading gaze and promised that she, unless in an utmost dire circumstance, would not wear her gloves. She, of course, probably knew better than anyone that a promise made to Anna was not to be broken.

"What if something's really _wrong_, Kristoff?" she asked.

But in Kristoff's eyes, the urgency of the situation didn't matter; whether Elsa was facing a dilemma or not, Anna had the right to be upset. It was over what, that was in question.

"You should talk to her," he suggested and gave her hand a comforting squeeze, "the only way to find out if something is wrong, is to ask,"

With a small nod, Anna took a deep breath, wiping at her eyes with her free hand to discourage any tears, "You're right. I'm being stupid. I can just…talk to her," her lips wobbled into a weak smile. Kristoff noted that the thought obviously hadn't occurred to her, and if it had, it was dispelled quickly from her mind. Like Elsa with her powers, Anna was still getting used to not being shut out.

"Then go talk to her," he leaned forward and pressed an encouraging kiss to her cheek. Pulling back, he was rather pleased to find that such a small gesture still caused the Princess's face to turn deep scarlet. With her nose scrunched up, she smiled at him warmly, and stood from her chair.

"Thanks," she sighed softly, "I…really, really needed that. The talk, I mean…" she scuffed her feet against the ground, "And the kiss too, I guess," with a huff, she straightened up and tried to look confident, "I'm gonna go talk to her,"

She stole a quick peck on the lips for courage, told him she'd see him later, and tried not to lose all her gathered bravery as she marched purposefully out of the room.

* * *

Anna stumbled to a halt inches from the cream-and-blue wood of Elsa's door like an invisible barrier blocked her way. Her fist raised to knock like so many time before, she faltered, and lowered her arm slightly with a sigh. Elsa was just on the other side of that door – she probably heard her younger sister's approaching footsteps from all the way at the end of the hall. If she wanted to up to anybody, she probably would have done so by now.

Her mustered courage wilted like a flower in the winter almost instantly, but she shook her head and took a breath, trying to bring that flower back to life. _'You can do this,´ _she told herself, _'just knock. It's not gonna hurt to try…'_

Eyes screwed shut like the inanimate object was a dog that could bite, she reached out her hand and rapped her knuckles against the wood. At first nothing happened. For a long second, she was left standing there in ringing silence, feeling stupid. She slowly opened her eyes again, staring wishfully at the door.

And then there came the thud of footsteps from inside the room. Then the doorknob rattled slightly as the snowflake-patterned wood creaked open, a pale face peeking out solemnly.

"Elsa!" Anna let out a breathless laugh at the sight of her big sister, "I thought you were –"

Her smile faded. Something was different about Elsa; a lot of things were different. Her hair wasn't neat as it always was – not even messy-neat. It held some resemblance to Anna's when she didn't brush it out and left stray hairs sticking every which way. There was a distinct red ring around each eye, complimented by a shiny pink nose. This struck Anna as exceedingly odd: Elsa never got sick. As far as anyone knew, she was impervious to colds and flus and everything that everyone else got from being out in the cold too long. After a moment, the gut-wrenching realization dawned on her.

She'd been crying.

And her eyes – her _eyes_. The icy blue orbs reflected pain and suffering and misery and all those things that Elsa didn't deserve to feel. Something inside Anna's chest twisted achingly at the sight of her older sibling this way, and she wanted to cry herself.

"Anna…" the white-haired girl replied, her voice trembling slightly but not breaking.

Anna should've left her alone. She should've respected the signs that Elsa obviously wanted to be on her own in this time; should've apologized for disturbing her and left her in peace. But she couldn't leave her, and all that she managed to say was, "Are you alright?"

She could see it in her eyes: Elsa wanted to say yes. She was so used to it by now. So used to shutting herself away and trying to run from her problems. Something told Anna, maybe the fresh tears glazing Elsa's eyes over like ice on a lake, that she couldn't run from this one. Numerous minutes of silence passed, in which the internal struggle of Elsa trying to gather herself was evident. Finally, with a sigh, she lifted a (surprisingly un-gloved) hand to take Anna's and tugged her inside.

With the door shut behind her, it was especially cold inside Elsa's chambers. As her eyes adjusted to the slight dimness to the room, Anna was taken aback, but not all that surprised to see that sections of the wall were covered in streaks of glistening ice. Icicles stuck out from the walls, bedposts, bookshelves and most other surfaces like daggers. The floorboards were frosted over and slippery and she kept a tight grip on Elsa's hand to avoid tumbling in a heap. Her sister must have been extremely upset, Anna noted, looking around at the strangely beautiful carnage.

"Anna…" Elsa began. Her words were quiet and small, and her shoulders slumped as she tugged the redhead's attention back to her, "I need to tell you something,"

In her other hand, she held several pieces of yellowed, but un-wrinkled parchment, that Anna hadn't noticed when the door had been opened to her. She saw neat lines of small scrawl, written with deep blue ink that had long since dried and faded into the paper. Anna wasn't the best reader, nor did she catch a good glimpse at any of the words, but she was sure it was their mother's handwriting. The observation only piqued her curiosity further.

"Is that from Momma?" she blurted, bouncing on her toes, "Can I read?"

"Listen to me, Anna," Elsa interjected forcefully, her voice breaking on her sister's name. The sound of sadness in her voice brought Anna back to a calm state, and she gave her full attention to Elsa.

"It is from…from Mother," Anna took note of the other's hesitance, "and I– I'm sorry, Anna. I really am,"

"Wait, what? Sorry about what? What's happened?" Anna's eyes were wide, her heartbeat skipping jumps as her confusion provoked fear.

Elsa reached forward, cupping Anna's face with her hands. Out of the corner of her eye, Anna saw the writing of their mother up close. Out of the few choice words she scanned over, the one sentence she could pick out was, _You're ours, no matter what_.

It hit her.

"Anna, I'm sorry,"

_You're ours._

"Please look at me,"

_No matter what._

"You're…" her eyes slowly trailed back to Elsa's face, unsure and disbelieving and heartbroken. The Queen hung her head and gave a small nod.

"_Not_ your sister,"


End file.
